New Year’s Eve Resolution

So today is New Year’s Eve 2013. Tonight at midnight, the year will shift to 2014. It will shift from a paint splattered canvas to a crisp, white new one. Each one of us has the opportunity to change the things in our lives that we don’t like. We can decide to change jobs, buy a new house, or purchase a new vehicle. And we can decide to lose weight, get a makeover, to stop cursing, or to stop saying a certain phrase. We can decide to go back to school, start a new life, get married, or get divorced. We can decide to do anything in the world that we want to.

Going from one year to the next is not physically a big shift. You go to sleep and when you wake up, it’s a new year. But for some reason, the mass mindset is that something magical happens at the stroke of midnight between December 31st and January 1st. But the truth is, nothing magical happens. We go to sleep and wake up if we’re lucky. We continue from one day to the next. Time doesn’t know that it is a new year suddenly. Your jobs don’t know. Your vehicles, houses, body, and animals don’t know. So what if the calendar says that it is 2013 or 2014? What has really changed? Nothing.

“The practice of making resolutions for the new year is thought to have first caught on among the ancient Babylonians, who made promises in order to earn the favor of the gods and start the year off on the right foot. (They would reportedly vow to pay off debts and return borrowed farm equipment.)” (http://www.history.com/topics/new-years). How did we go from this practice to setting personal goals? Do you think that losing 10 lbs or getting a new job would earn the favor of the gods? Of ANY god? How did we go from making promises to help others, to making promises that are all about ourselves? You repay your debts and the person you repay them to benefits. You return borrowed farm equipment and the owner can then use it for his own farming chores instead of needing to borrow from someone else. Me losing ten lbs or not cursing as much or learning to live a healthier lifestyle is not going to benefit anyone other than myself.

So I have decided that this year I am going to make promises that benefit others instead of myself. Instead of promising to lose 10 lbs, I’m going to promise to donate food to those in need. Instead of promising to clean up my language, I’m going to clean up a part of my community. Instead of promising to get a degree to improve my financial situation, I promise to get a degree so that I can improve the lives of children in need. These are my New Year’s Resolutions. What are yours?

Postcard Destination

When you think of your future, what do you see? I see a log cabin and barn in the country, a garden, chickens and goats and pigs and horses and cows, a well, split rail fencing, three young boys and a gorgeous little girl chasing fireflies in the yard, me and my husband on the porch swing, sipping sweet tea and enjoying a quiet country evening. That is my ideal future. Now here comes the hard part. How do I get from sharing a house with my mother, no job, a truck that barely runs, and generally no prospects for improving my future other than the degree that I am working on and get to my log cabin in the country? I have asked myself this question many, many times. I used to answer it with “I’ll figure it out.” And a year later, after things have gone downhill even more, I’ve finally realized that I can’t just take things as they come. Nothing is going to be handed to me. Opportunity has lost directions to my house. All the rabbits’ feet and four-leaf clovers in the world won’t give me enough luck to stumble into a better future. I have now realized that I have to direct my life and get it back on course so I can get to my log cabin. J

I have to sit down and map out my life plan. Knowing where you want to go in life is a lot like taking a road trip. You pick a destination and follow the road map to get there. I wasn’t looking at the map. I was just going down any road that caught my fancy. And so here I am, lost with no idea which way is up, but I have this postcard destination taped to the dash and I know I just HAVE to get there. Has anyone else been there? You have this idea in your head and you just can’t rest until you reach that goal. Well, after getting lost and turned around and being broke down on the side of the road with no gas and engine trouble a couple of times, I finally decided that it is time to pull out that road map and take a gander. Problem is, I didn’t pack it!!! So where does that leave me? I have this pad of sketch paper and a pencil. Wonder how much of it I can remember…

So I draw this crude map. I am at Point A and I want to get to Point B. Well, I have my postcard for Point B. And me sitting in my broke down car is Point A. Now… how do I get from one to the other? Well, I’m definitely going to need money to get anywhere. So let’s add a job. Now there’s three points. But wait. The job is on an island in the middle of the ocean on the other side of a huge mountain. So we need to figure out how to get past those obstacles. Well, let’s get a degree. That takes care of the mountain. And then jump in a boat and get some experience. That gets up to the island and the job. We’re doing good so far. We now have five points on our map. So we now have income, a degree, and some experience. Now what?

We need a reliable vehicle. So now that we have income, let’s go to the nearest auto dealer and get us a new vehicle. Maybe two, it’s getting cramped with two adults and two kids in just one vehicle. So now we have income, reliable vehicles and a little more freedom of movement. Next thing we need to do is get some money saved up and to take a break for a little while. After we have income, we’ve got vehicles, and we’re rested and saved money, next it is time to continue on to the cabin. We buy some land and start clearing it and getting it ready for our new cabin. After that’s done, then we go about building the cabin. Once that’s done, we go about the business of having two more little boys. We build up our garden and livestock until we no longer need that outside source of income and can rely entirely upon our own hard labor, sweat and tears to provide for ourselves and our kids. We build our porch and install our porch swing in between caring for the animals and the land and each other.

And then one day, after all the hard work is done and it’s time to relax, you realize that your road map has gone missing. But it’s okay. Because you have finally arrived at your postcard destination.

Your Life is Determined by Choice

When I hear of someone who has a reoccurring problem (such as drug addiction, multiple arrests, or being in trouble in other ways) or just an overall unhappiness with their life, I tell them to take a page from AA: People, Places, Things. Change the actual people, or the type of people that you associate with. Change the places or types of places that you frequent. And change your things or type of things that you do, as well as your way of thinking. If you do the same things you've always done, in the same places you've always done them, with the same people you've always done them with, you're gonna get the same result.

I have realized that stupidity tends to bring out the inner bitch in me; but that sort of hinges on the level of stupidity. I understand that stupidity is typically in the eye of the beholder. At this point, I am the beholder. And someone that tells me "I can't help it. It’s easy money" in response to being told that they need to stop illegal activities and do a complete overhaul on their life... Is an idiot. You CAN help it, you just CHOOSE not to. YOU make the decision to do those things, be in those places, and to be around those people. That’s YOUR CHOICE, not something that is decided for you or something that you “can’t help”.

I know that easy money is a lure that many people get caught by. I know that the "easy" lifestyle of the black market has a very high appeal. I've been there, done that. I miss being able to go to "work" for a night and come home with $500. I miss not having to look at price tags, because I was making 2-3K a month OR MORE. Yes I miss that. But I would rather struggle for money every day than to go back to that lifestyle. And that's MY CHOICE.

I choose every day to wake up, take care of my kids and my man and be completely broke. I choose to not go back to the club and grind all over men just so I have the freedom to buy whatever I want. I choose to make myself into a better person than I was, not only for my sake, but also (and mostly) for my kids and my man. Even men that come into establishments like that judge you. They judge you in the V.I.P. room and they judge you out on the street. You're good enough for them to get your chest rubbed in their face, but not good enough to introduce to their friends or family. And heaven forbid if you say where you met them. That’s not the kind of person I want to be known as. I don’t want to be known as “That Stripper” or “The Stripper” or any other of the myriad of names that folks can (and did) come up with. I don’t want to have to rely on taking off my clothes just to pay bills. I didn’t want to live that lifestyle anymore.

Yeah, living that lifestyle, I had money. So what? I also had perverts who groped me every chance they got because “She’s a stripper, so it’s okay”. I had men proposition me at least once a night. When applying to decent jobs, I had to account for the time that I was dancing (the clubs won’t acknowledge that you work there, so you can’t put them on an application.). I had to constantly worry about someone saying something to my kids about where mommy worked. I chose to get out of that lifestyle so my kids didn’t have to grow up listening to people tease them because their mommy was a stripper.

So now, I am unemployed. I am a full-time college student. I have 2 amazing kids and an amazing man. I have a truck that is falling apart and I’m living at my mother’s house. But even with all of that, I still refuse to go back to that lifestyle. I refuse to associate with those people (at least the ones that I know are dancers, not “those people” as in a derogatory reference to dancers.). I have not been inside a club in months. And I no longer act, think or dress like a dancer. I changed my people, places and things. I CHOSE to have a different life. It may not be better financially, but life’s not about money. Life is about enjoying yourself and making memories. I didn’t want my only memories to be of some nasty club with dirty smelly men getting grabby with girls that are walking around in outfits that couldn’t even be considered bikinis. And I didn’t want my kids’ memories to be of mommy being gone overnight 5 nights a week, coming in at 3 or 4 am, and being grouchy because I only got 3 or 4 hours of sleep every night.

I CHOSE to change my life into something different. I CHOSE to make sacrifices and change my future. I CHOSE to change my mindset and therefore change my circumstances. And I will keep CHOOSING to stay out of trouble, away from the night life, away from drugs and alcohol, and to stay away from negative influences. So don’t say “I can’t help it” when you don’t like your life. Make the choice to do something about it. Make the choice to change your people, places and things today so that you can have a better future.

Little Critter Insomnia

I love my little critter. I love being a mommy. What I don't love is being up until 1 or 2 am because of my own insomnia and then having to get up with the baby 6 times (or more) before 8 am. :( He sleeps GREAT through the day. We have no problems getting him down for naps. But for some reason, he doesn't seem to want to sleep once mommy and/or daddy goes to bed. I wish I knew how to fix that problem.

I have tried herbal teas (both child and adult strength), warm bottles, relaxing sounds, warm baths with Johnson&Johnson nighttime baby bath. Someone told me to try using lavender scented incense, candles, sachets, etc. I think I've heard of people even putting lavender inside the pillows as they stuff them. I'm almost to the end of my rope. Got circles under my eyes so dark you'd swear I was on drugs. Ugh.

I think sleep deprivation should be considered a drug. Your brain stops functioning at it's optimal performance. You begin to have physical effects such as dark circles, weight loss, etc. There are emotional issues such as shortened temper, easily offended, crying easily, and an extremely low bullshit tolerance. If the sleep deprivation gets bad enough, you can begin hallucinating, developing anxiety, as well as depression. Doesn't all that sound like the effects of drugs?

But then 8 am rolls around... and instead of crying, I hear my little critter trying to talk. I crack open my eyes and there he is, holding onto the top rail of his bed, staring at me with this huge smile on his face as he gums the rail. No matter how sleep deprived I am, I can't help but smile back at him. You can't be mad when your alarm clock is wearing footy pajamas and a gummy smile. :)

I love my little critter. I have no idea what I would do without him. He is the reason that the sun comes up and why the stars shine at night. :) I hope things never change between us. And I also hope that I get to have at least 2 more boys so that a) I get to enjoy this stage again (complete with bitching about it) and b) so he will have brothers to grow up with. <3

Welcome Everyone!

I wanted to introduce myself to everyone, as I am new to blogging. My name is Traci, my almost 4 year old daughter is Teagan and my 7 month old is Trenton. The three of us make up the Triple Threat! I am 24 years old, a full-time student, and unemployed. I lost my job when I was pregnant, thanks to a legal loophole. :( I have a male pit bull named Hurricane (Cane for short), 2 chickens named Lucy, Zira, and Molly, a bunny named Benny (Teagan's doing. lol) and a Quarter Horse Mare names Pep. We live in the country with my mother because when I lost my job, I lost all income and therefore lost my house. :( Not that it mattered anyway, since the company I was buying it from refused to fix the roof. I was tired of it raining both inside the house and outside of it.

I am attending school to get my Bachelors in Applied Behavioral Sciences so that I may become a Social Worker. I am also minoring in Entrepreneurship, with the intent to eventually open my own business. I would love to open an occult bookstore. I would also like to start my own farm so that we can be self-sufficient (which is a business) and to RE-open my pit bull rescue (which is also a business). We'll see what the future holds.

I am a full-time mommy to my son, but unfortunately a part-time mommy to my daughter. Her father and I have joint custody, which makes holidays and summers and honestly the whole year suck. I dislike having to share her with him as much as I do. He has her every other week when she's not in school and every other Thursday through Tuesday when she is. She started preschool February 2013 and so far LOVES it. :) She also loves spending time with her daddy and his family, so I can't deny her the time with them.

I have been with an amazing man for over a year named Glenn. We met through a mutual friend on December 14, 2012. He is amazing because he has stepped up as step-dad to Teagan and as a dad to Trent. Trent's bio donor (my ex-husband) refuses to have anything to do with him. He actually walked out on me and the babes 3 weeks after he found out I was pregnant. Thankfully, Glenn stepped in when I was about 4 to 4 1/2 months along.

Now that my divorce is final (June 14, 2013), we're making plans for our family. I am hoping for a spring or summer wedding, but even fall would be okay. We both love winter weddings, but since neither one of us wants to have it indoors and I hate snow, we figure the other 3 seasons would be best. :)

I hope that you will enjoy reading my posts and hopefully join in on the discussions!!!